Islam and Marriage #2: Rights and Duties of Spouses Part 1: The Wife’s Rights, The Husband’s Obligations

There are so many stereotypes that arisen about Islamic marriages and the roles that spouses play. One of the biggest of those stereotypes is that Islamic women are oppressed and treated harshly by their spouses and the other is that women have no rights in the marriage, and are only there to serve the needs of their spouses. These stereotypes come as a result of the actions of a few who call themselves Muslims, as well as the stereotypes presented by the Western media.

In Islam, both spouses have certain rights and duties to one another, and hopefully, these can dispel some of the myths promoted by the media and western society. Moreover, wives have certain rights and husbands have certain duties to their wives.

First, a husband is responsible for his wife’s maintenance. This right comes from the Quran and the Sunnah (the way of Islamic life as given to us by our Prophet – PBUH). It does not matter whether the wife is Muslim, non-Muslim, rich or poor. It is the responsibility of the husband to care for his wife and his family financially. Moreover, this important because it allows the wife the ability to perform her duties as a wife and a mother, and it assures her security. That maintenance involves her right to a home, clothing, food and general care (medication, healthcare, etc.). The right to a home includes privacy, comfort and independence. Additionally, if the wife is unable to attend to her household duties, the husband is, if he can afford it, to provide her with assistance, such as a maid, to assist her.

The wife is entitled to Mahr which is a marriage gift. The marriage contract is not valid without it. Moreover, it does not have to be money or gold. Mahr is a gift from the bride to the groom, and is prescribed under Islamic law. In other cultures, the girl’s family either pays for the wedding or must provide a gift to the husband to marry the daughter. This goes against Islamic law, as it degrades women and is contrary to the character of Islam.
Last, the husband is commanded by Allah to treat his wife with fairness, respect and kindness. Our Prophet (PBUH) stressed the importance of this, and it is reported to have said that “The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.”

As clearly seen by the duties owed to the wife, Islam does not oppress women, and in fact, pushes for respect and responsibility towards women. So the next time you watch something on television or read something in a newspaper that contradicts the requirements of Islamic marriage law, remind yourself that our Prophet’s (PBUH) statement: “The best Muslim is one who is the best husband,” and because of that alone, Islam does not discriminate against or oppress women, and in particular does not allow for husbands to treat their wives badly.
In addition to the rights of the wife and duties of the husband, Islam prescribes that the wife has certain obligations to her husband and the husband has certain rights. We will discuss those in Rights and Duties of Spouses Part 2.

Muslim Working Mothers

This area has been very tough for me as working mother born in an Islamic culture. I have no excuses for my lack of strong belief or understanding for my faith and practice. I made choices that put Islam aside and lately, I have come to the realization that my excuses are invalid. I can work, I can go school and I can take care of family, and still make room for Islam in my heart. However, it doesn’t mean isn’t difficult. I have a difficult issue with the criticisms that exist around Muslim mothers who work outside the home.

The biggest criticism about Islamic working women is that they put their faith aside for their professions. There is also the criticism of spousal neglect and because Islam asks that women care for their husbands in a way that the wife should. Other issues include jealous husbands, difficultly in wearing hijab in the workplace due to harassment, and contacts with male coworkers. Yet another criticism is that household duties are unattended thus creating more problems in the marriage. And yes, we cannot forget the greatest criticism we have to hear; we should be at home to care for their children instead of them being in daycare in a non-Islamic environment.

The reasons women work, whether they are Christian, Muslim, non-religious, have nothing to do with ego and disrespect for Islam. You do what is best for your family. There are many of times where I have gotten home and collapsed on the couch. There is no working who does not feel the stress of caring for their family and working, and these days, with shared responsibilities, both parents feel it.

From my own experiences, there is very I have to offer expect and understanding of what I need to do to keep myself sane and fully understand my faith. Al-hamdelah.

· Get organized and prepare schedule for all family members to follow and share in the workload at home.
· Ask for help. This is a hard lesson I have had to learn in the past year since I have been diagnosed with two chronic pain conditions.
· Plan ahead. The freezer is awesome. I cook over the weekend and freeze meals, sometimes a week’s worth if I can.
· Schedule your time. Make time for yourself. Tell Dad to watch the kids and take a long bubble bath. You deserve time too.
· Lower your own expectations. There is only so much you can do. Patience is a virtue and is something that Islam prescribes to.
· Talk about Islam with children every opportunity you get and even though they may not want to listen, they will one day figure it out as you have.

Being a working mother for many years, I can tell you the key is tolerance. Not everyone understands why you work and why you cannot stay home with your children.

The greatest tolerance was practiced by our prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon Him). From the stories of Muhammad (PBUH), we know that his life required much tolerance and he even prayed for his enemies. Muhammad even forgave Abu Sufyan, the worst enemy of Islam. Recall that the people of Mecca rejected Muhammad (PBUH) socially for many years. When he went to teach them about Islam, they threw stones at him. Allah spoke to Muhammad (PBUH) and told him that he would destroy the town Taif for treating him in the manner they did. Our prophet told him that the people do not know who he is and that they eventually will.

Recall that our prophet’s enemies had much power, wealth and weapons. They were large in number and when they fought with the holy prophet (PBUH), he only had a few soldiers and weapons, but al-Nabi Muhammad (PBUH) showed great patience and courage and he put his trust in Allah. Allah gave him strength and victory.

As each of us go on in our lives, we need to follow the example of nobility and tolerance our Nabi Muhammad (Peace be upon Him).

The Challenges faced by American-Muslim Working Women

I am a Muslim woman and for a long time I choose to ignore my faith. Recently, and most probably because I am getting older, I am starting to find that my life is missing something so I have again embraced Islam. I was raised in a strict Muslim home and to my parents, everything was haraam. Of my siblings, I am the most educated and this was result of choices I made in my life that went against everything my family believed in, including a divorce and being a single mother. When I was younger, my resistance to Islam was based on the fact that my parent didn’t always do a good job of reinstating the presence of Allah in our lives and our hearts and I don’t blame them for that. Religion is a difficult subject for anyone.

As an adult, such resistance came from discrimination about my choices within the Islamic community as well discrimination and ignorance about Islam in corporate America. While those are merely excuses as many would say, but those are my justifications. I am a Muslim working mother in corporate America. My husband, though open to my career choices, is not open to the role that women and men play in marriage and family. Because he was raised in a culture where women are the primary caretakers for their homes and their families, he is yet to understand that I simply cannot manage it all – my home, my family and my career. I am the primary caregiver to my children while my husband focuses his career. Does this seem fair? Where does Islam play in a role in all this? Does it even seem to have a place?

Most importantly, there is the issue of wearing hijab. I have told my mother time and time again why I do not wear hijab – I want to be able to support my family without discrimination. Think about it this way, hijab creates a unique hurdle for women. Women who wear hijab are often taunted at work and on the street. Moreover, sometimes wearing hijab jeopardizes a women’s career because Islamic women are quite often discriminated in their jobs and not given jobs and promotions. Don’t forget that women who wear hijab in America are obvious targets and because the majority of Americans are ignorant about Islam, hijab bears a burden. This puts their safety at a vulnerable level.

I find it quite sad that Islamic women face many hurdles that may or may not be unique to Islam. As a matter of fact, many are cultural. Islam does not promote the devaluation of women, but cultural stereotypes do. Families have preference to their sons over their daughters and lay strong emphasis on the honor of their daughters, and shame of a daughter taking action that goes against family beliefs creates unspeakable burden on family honor. The end result and resolution is to marry daughters at young age and put an end to their educational opportunities. And just because Muslim women live in America does not mean that do not face discriminations and abuses from within their own Islamic communities. Some of the most serious of those issues include domestic abuse, abuse of divorce and custody laws, polygamy and isolation and exclusion from Muslim life.

Let me say that the abuses and issues based have nothing to do with Islam and more based on generations of cultural upbringing. Islam is a great religion and we need to prove with our actions. The treatment of Women is the number one reason that people leave and I fell victim to that as well. As I stated, I am just finding my way back in. Because of that, I feel that Muslims need to start offering solutions and denying that problems exist. As Muslims, we have a duty to fight against repression and we need to do everything in our power to get that understanding across. The first step, however, is acknowledgement.

For me, I learned to focus on my life, my family, and most importantly, my religion. I have learned that I need to be a voice for women who want to step up and not take discrimination and abuse. I have learned that Islam in itself takes abuse and discrimination because of its followers have refused to accept that societies modernize religion. Finding my way back to Islam took me ten years, and the only piece of advice I can offer is to be patient, Allah is listening and watching you and he knows that you will eventually make your way back, Inshallah.